Speak Politely

How not to disgrace yourself at a wedding...

Nothing makes you more acutely aware that you're about to sing about masturbation quite like staring back at a freshly wed bride and groom, slow dancing with their parents.

"Speak Politely" was a single from our (fittingly titled) album Sentimental Porno. Rarely am I self-conscious of the prurient nature of its lyrics, but having been asked the great honor of singing at this beautiful couple's wedding, I looked out at the crowd of well-dressed strangers and their children and thought, Oh dear God, what am I about do?

Too late to craft some newly relatable lyrics, I delivered the line "Tonight you'll go home and pleasure yourself to the thought of me" in such an unintelligible mumble that it essentially became a 90s radio edit in real-time. I continued through the verse, hearing Marton and Hany giggling into their suit jackets. 

Despite all the masturbation stuff, this song pulls something out of me every time I sing it. I'll rephrase. My mind tends to wander while I sing. Do I like Adam's outfit better than mine? Do I know the two making out in the front row? Have I made out with either of them? Do I believe in marriage? A lot happening at all times. But this song, man, this song breaks my heart a little every damn time.

Having rewatched Vicky Christina Barcelona recently, I thought of the song when Javier Bardem's character Juan Antonio speaks of his love for Maria Elena… (paraphrasing): "It is like we are meant for each other, but not meant to be together." For me, the chorus of "Speak Politely" is a lament for that kind of love. The kind that, at best, survives but never thrives. 

"I can't afford you to stay. I can't afford you to go away."

A few days after the wedding, I explained the nature of the verses to my Dad--how each represents the feelings around having the upper hand in the relationship or losing it. He told me I was brave to get up on stage and sing the songs I sing. This made me happy and proud. Who knows, kids, you too may someday win the favor of your father by yodeling sad songs about jacking off. 

In earnest, never stop making your art, and never stop letting it crush you.

---

Photo by Ramin Teimouri from a solo show at Kira Shepard’s store Ethí.

Lyrics to “Speak Politely”

Thank god almighty the world gave me a friend, it feels like I'm coming of age all over again. 

Tonight you'll go home and pleasure yourself to the thought of me, Presumptuous I know but it’s not a question of modesty,
And certainly not for the lack of me.
I've made myself available and ready, 

To do the hard work that it can be,
The hard work to make a woman happy. 

all the secrets of universe,
come down to there's really nothing wrong with me. And the mystery of how a woman works,
is just beyond me. 

I can't afford you to stay,
I can't afford you to go away. 

Tonight I'll go home and I'll pleasure myself to the thought of you, You'll go home and fall right asleep.
Before I would have told you,
hell I could always speak my mind. 

Now when I see you, I speak politely. 

I asked you not to take it personally, you said "Hey I don't"
It'll be easier not to love you,
so I won't. 

I can't afford you to stay,
I can't afford you to go away. 

Strangers pat ya on the back and say,
“hey man, you're gonna be a star!”
But with no cheerleader in your corner, you're really just another dude in a big city, with a fuckin guitar. 

How many singers with a dream are just perverts with agendas?
Oh no, not me.
That's why I appreciated you seeing me the way I wanted to be seen. it's ok that you're happy now, happier without me 

I can't afford you to stay
I can't afford you to go away.