The Scariest Thing You'll Read Today

My Top 5 Halloween Haunts (Warning: Adult content)

One thing I did not expect to see with my sister on her October trip to the west coast was dick. Something I ABSOLUTELY did not expect to see was A LOT OF DICKS. But hey, no one ever said the unexpected wasn't spooky.

My sister found Zombie Joe's Underground Theater from a TikTok list of LA's best-kept Halloween secrets. I might have expected something left of center (not talking of dicks specifically here) when the address took us to North Hollywood. 

The organizers, an endearingly sweet couple in their sixties, kept emphasizing the "adult" nature of the show. It didn't take long to find out why they were so emphatic. At the first turn of the haunted maze, we were met with a pleasantly paunchy and completely naked zombie. Bam! The first dick! This maze led us to a small theater room for the show. Six courageous and mostly nude actors presented a series of depraved vignettes. An insane asylum escapee screamed for a minute straight and then pulled up his hospital gown. Bam! Another dick! Two Luche Libre wrestlers laughed maniacally as they slapped each other's privates. Bam! Bam! Two more dicks! Now, I don't want to diminish the visually captivating elements of this performance. There were moments of nightmarish visuals and creatively weaved sonic intrusions. And then, yes, more dicks. Things I can’t unsee. A bonding activity with my big sis I won’t soon forget. God Bless the valley, you know?

Now, here are some other hawt tips for making Halloween your favorite holiday.

1. Scream 

My favorite scary movie of all time. For years, I thought the original was the only one worth watching. While I still believe it is the only masterpiece of the franchise, I've grown to adore Scream 3 (proof Parker Posey is the absolute truth), and I thoroughly enjoy something about every sequel. 

1. Haunted Hay Ride of Los Feliz

It's not Halloween Horror Nights, but it's cute as hell, the food truck burger was surprisingly tasty, and the haunted houses deliver. 

1. Driving by the Los Feliz Murder House

While it's conveniently a quick jaunt over from the Haunted Hay Ride, explore this option at your own risk. Walking up to this house at night is legitimately harrowing. I went with a small group last year, and one girl (who was the most excited about going) turned around ten yards before we got to the estate and walked back to the car. Another said her throat started closing up the minute we got in front of the driveway. Trés creepy, right??

My sis just sent me its Zillow link yesterday. Apparently, it's on the market again. CAN… YOU… IMAGINE moving into a place that has sat vacant for over fifty years and is literally called the Los Feliz Murder House?

1. Listening to the Halloween Unmasked podcast

Hosted by Amy Nicholson, this eight-episode pod dives into the making of and lore behind Halloween—John Carpenter's 1978 horror film that created the slasher genre. Listening to this has become an October tradition. 

1. Wear a costume. 

It's the one time of year you can be absolutely unrecognizable (liberating) or make a puppy dog outfit really slutty (also liberating). So, why not? 

Be safe out there, kiddos. 

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